i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
