While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
