I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
