In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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