I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
