Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
