Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
