hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
