This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
