i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
