One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize