So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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