dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
