I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I believe in your delicious
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
