I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I smell stomach acid.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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