Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
