I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
