Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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