Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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