PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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