Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
and you fell through a lawn chair
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
