I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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