we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
