I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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