There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
