I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
