Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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