ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You dont lie about slip and slides
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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