when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
