the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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