I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
