the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Randomize
