Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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