I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
