you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
