he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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