the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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