He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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