separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
