Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
he quoted the bible to break up with me
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
