what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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