I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
