were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
