I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
