It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Randomize
