i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
