I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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