Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
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