May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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