I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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