Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
