Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
