He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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