My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
