if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
