I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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