I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My penis needs a shock collar
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
where are my pants?
in the oven.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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