I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I feel like death gave me a hand job
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
