alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
