Soap is not a condiment
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
