Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
