Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
