My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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