this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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