After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize