Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Floor bacon is actually really good
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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