I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
